What is the definition of change?
The dictionary states: to
make or become different.
That doesn’t
sound so bad. I’ve made changes like
cutting my hip length hair to a boy’s cut.
Now that was a big change. I’ve
done it a few times in my life, where I needed a dramatic change
immediately. It’s seemed to do the
trick. I had a new identity for
months. I couldn’t hide my face anymore
behind my hair.
Change comes in many forms like using different toothpaste, or
making a shift in the type of work you do.
Some changes or differences can cause some discomfort. Some changes or differences can also create
great joy and excited. It all depends on
how you view the difference in comparison to the familiar.
I’m certainly one to talk because changes make me
nervous. I wish I would be more excited
than nervous. I do like to shock people
with my differences but I first need to get over the initial jump before they
do. Oh, it’s certainly something to come
home with a nipple piercing and brag about the event. Yep, I did all those things as a 20 year-old young
mom. I needed newness in my life and
that did the trick. I noticed that I
used the phrase “did the trick” or “do the trick” as if a little song and dance
would make life all better. What actually
happened after cutting my hair or getting a piercing? Well, it was a temporary novelty in my
life. I wanted my long locks back and
the piercing was irritating.
What was the point?
The first time I cut my long hair, I was a young mom with twin boys that
pulled at my curls. They needed
something to hold and they would unknowingly yank the roots out of my
scalp. “Ouchy.” I needed to cut my hair. It made life easier for me to hold my boys and
I didn’t need to worry about losing anymore strands. The second time I cut my long hair, I was
unhappy with my life. My work was not fulfilling. My love life was falling apart. I wanted to let go of all the
things that was stressing me out so I cut my hair. It was the first step to letting go. My hair represented years of growth. So dropping the locks helped.
Of course cutting my hair is not always the type of change
that I would encounter. I dealt with changes or differences in other ways. Let
me see if I can recall another type of change that was noticeable from the
outside world. Hmmmm… I left my 13-year
relationship, sold our house, and moved out with my twins into a three bedrooms
apartment without telling most of my family what I was doing. That was shocker to the world around me. I didn’t discuss it with others. I finally
made a decision, planned, and initiated the change or again “difference.” That was something. I wonder how that shift really manifested
itself. It was a transformation. Yes, it was challenging but it was also
something that I needed at the time.
There are pending changes that are coming up in my life
right now. Actually, this year I’ve had
a number of huge shifts already. Some
circumstances that I knew were coming and did nothing about it. Then again, I
made a number of adjustments where I decided on a new direction. Now that’s empowering. It’s all about making a conscious decision by
weighing my needs, desires, and the issues at hand. I realized that I sometimes over analyze
situations and forget about my true feelings.
I’ve valued certain thoughts with a higher view than my feelings and I
became stuck within indecision. This can be my kryptonite. Oh, the stage where I become 'paralysed by analyzes' (a phrase that a good friend pinpointed right away). It’s a place
where I look right, then left, then up, and down. I start all over again, by looking up, right,
left, and down. My thoughts spin and my
breath shortens. I decide to touch my
toes, and if I could I would like to suck them. But alas, that’s not
productive. I do whatever I can to avoid
my feelings that are telling me I need to make a positive change, adjustment,
or a transformation. What do I do then? I go outside.
I remember my breath. I start to
pray. I take a shower. I create art.
I cry. That’s when all of the
above actually brings me closer to understanding my needs. I take a break to know myself which lead me
to more changes.
Thank goodness for changes because without them life would
be dull.
(This piece was written back in 2014. I'm sharing it now because change is constantly happening in my life and it is healing to sharing it.)
