Monday, February 27, 2012

Take the Shot!

I love going for walks in nature and afterwards I feel refreshed and full of life.  I love encountering many different things and most of the time I stop, stare and if I can, even touch them.  When I have time, I love to lie down in the grass and watched the clouds float by.  They turn into beautiful objects.  Once I noticed a giraffe that morphed into a fish and then transformed into a monkey.  Sometimes I see absolutely nothing and that's fine because I still enjoyed watching the clouds change the sky into different hues of blues mixed with white.

A few days ago during a walk I noticed a telephone/electric wooden pole that had these markings.  I stopped in my tracks and stared at the pole.  I swear I saw an angel and an owl.    I really wished I took my camera with me.  I don't have an up-to-date cell phone with a camera.  I actually carry around my old Olympus digital camera I received from work over 8 years ago.  Oh my... it's been that long, well, it still works.  I'm not complaining. Actually I'm the type of girl that keeps things until they break and I don't want to spend funds when I don't "need" to.

Well, today, I decided to bring my camera and if something came up I would take the shot.  "Take the shot" that's interesting.  I didn’t realize that it was risking anything by capturing things that inspires me.  Oh, here I go.  The experience of seeing these two images on a telephone/electric pole has given me insight to my own life.  How wonderful!

I was very fortunate to pass the pole again this week, especially carrying my camera. 

Something tells me that you’ve been holding back just as much as I have, so my advice is to “take the shot” and be on the lookout for your own inspiration.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Support of a Good Friend

I became quiet and you noticed
my voice soften while you listened
you asked if you could help
but I resisted.

I didn't want to ask
and thank God you knew
that I was in need
of something true.

You grabbed me and let me cry
within your arms I knew I wouldn't die
I sobbed and my energy shifted.

I was embarrassed and wanted to run
but you held on tight
and didn't make a sound.
Crying was what I needed and
you waited until it was completed.

It was over fast and painless.
We smile and it was truly shameless.

You reminded me I would do the same.
Let it go, let's get on with our game.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Phases of My Life

Naomi Celeste Benoist
Mon petite chou
Auntie Nai
Andre & Damian's mom
Fart face
Fuckin' retard
Naomi Celesté

Inner Dialogue

Should my bank account be lined with money that was given to me because I kept my mouth shut?

What is abuse of power mean and why do we allow people to have it over us?

Is it just how our society behaves, we do what we are told because we must eat what they pollute us with?

These questions fill my mind at times when my bank account is almost at zero and my credit is maxed.  Did society do this to me or did I follow an old program of ultimate self imposed slavery?

How do you bring out the best in yourself when you stand in the mirror of a collective consciousness where giving all of yourself to an authority to get a little some of money.  Money that lets you think belongs to you.  The funds are never yours, they just transfer from one hand to the next, exchanging energy in ways that our words do not.  It's commonly accepted by people of power.  What is power and how does it generate fear of the average person?  Why do we all allow this fake currency of energy take toll on us? 

I've heard that money is the greatest evil, but what make it that way?  Who said that one person should get all of it and another not?  How are my views on currency and its place in my life?

I understand that I require funds to cover my basic family needs, food, water, clothing and shelter in the environment that we live in.  This is physical/realistic truth in my world as a human being.  Each idea I have to generate funds to support my family has been delayed due to the fact of my own views of self-worth.  Self-worth? I am worthily of many things, love, money and happiness.  I can do what I wish to do and still be happy with my daily living situation.  I know that I want to do something that changes my world and my family's lives.  To give myself, the pleasures that do not have a monetary value or exchange anymore that emotional strengthen.  I have responsibilities of my children's health and well being.  These are the facts of being a mother in the living physical reality.  There are choices based on some limitations, I still have leeway on my life and how I choose to live it.

Many things have occurred in this year.  Lust, trust and self acceptance that I am not the person I thought I was.  I AM.  That's what came up.  I AM.  There are many things that I can not explain.  I trust what is going on in my life.  Surrendering to the powers that are, accepting that I do not know what will happen next.  I need to make decisions based on physical facts on how to support my family but I do not want to give up my spiritual quest hoping to align myself in all aspects, Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically and Mentally.  This is my goal at this time.  NOW.  To stay focused on what really is important.  What brings out the best in my life and my being?  IAM. 

I'm going through a major transformation, still shedding my skin and looking at what has occurred and forgetting my old self.  Losing an endless self filled of sadness.  I know there is more to the daily trials of life as we know it.  I am life.  We are all life.  We are not what our environment makes us.  We can transform, we can move within the time of our own consciousness and create dreams into reality.  All physical things started with an idea or a thought and people decided I will make it true.  Why do we stop when we all know this?

Why have I stopped believing that I am a creator too?  My talents are mine and I must share and express them by exploring my inner world.  Imagination is an endless space to be filled with anything and everything.

There were people that knew of planes and space travel centuries before it occurred.  How did they know this?  Was it from their imagination, thoughts, or collective consciousness?  We tap into it all the time but we are blocking our knowledge by plugging into chatter of sound that will not allow you to explore your own spirit.  Children with no toys can create amazing games with elephant dung.  How is that?  Our minds are constantly attracted to ways to improve our lives and finding joy in simple things.

We have lost this purity of self. I AM.  Unplugged yourself and look within for answers.  You really are not alone with what is around you.  There are ideas drifting in and out of your consciousness all the time you just ignore it because it is DIFFERENT.

Differences are important in order to create change.  You can implement change by focusing our desires and talents.  Living in the moment as it is.  Unplugging from the, I must do this or do that.  The idea of living in a world where you must conform in order to survive or fit in is unacceptable.  Why can't others around you accept that we are different because we are?

Every person has and shares a different perspective because there are always many answers to one question.  Many different outcomes and even more creative genius with the way the answers appear.  These ideas bring great hope to my spirit that we must communicate in order to grow and expand our knowledge of self and others.  We generate and attract people for various reasons. 

To be or not to be... this question, of life.  How can you not be?  There. Simple isn't it, how can you not be?  Are you not alive?  TO BE - I AM.  Or is that question asked to get you to think that you are not alive? Are you assigned a role because you have no idea of what you really are?  Stop asking and just be.  As long as you breathe you will always be.

Memory Bank

Fossils even in my memory
placing them in sequential order
matching this one to that partial

Dusting and measuring their importance
removing and labeling one
and store it elsewhere

Locked into a bank
only to view with a moment's passing

Friday, February 10, 2012

Chocolate Bar

The closest store was approximately 10 houses away from our place.  Back in the 80’s kids were allowed to purchase cigarette and both of my folks were heavy chain smokers.  Even though, at the age of 8, I was the main cigarette runner.  Occasionally, I bought the wrong brand and/or size.  I was confused with which my mother smoked compared with my father.  When I made a mistake they insisted that I return and exchange them.  Since I was going back to the store my folks agreed I could buy a chocolate bar. 
The store was owned by a Korean couple and they grew to know me very well.  I would usually enter the store humming and at times I would leave forgetting the change.  They had to call me back to get it.  Since I normally mixed up the order, they took it upon themselves to memorize which cigarettes my parents smoked.  The moment I bounced through the door they had cigarettes on the counter waiting for me.  However every few weeks my folks changing their brands and it became confusing all over again.  The owners merely shook their heads and laughed. 
I normally skipped to the store, said hi, looked at the comic books and purchased my parents’ smokes.  Sometimes when I entered the store they were stocking shelves and I asked if I could help.  They would grin and let me arrange the cans with the English labels facing forward. They were extremely kind and every now and then they would give me some penny candies.  (I still remember the chocolate disks, waxed lips, and red cherry chewy candies. That was a treat.) 
One day, before heading to the store, I asked if I could have a chocolate bar.  My parents swore that there wasn`t enough money for candy.  As my mom handed me coins, she claimed they only had funds for their smokes.  I became angry because I felt she was lying.  I still had to go, so I walked slowly down the street.  If I couldn’t have a chocolate bar then I would take my time.  When I arrived the owner was smiling at me.  I was not in the mood for her kindness.  She reached around and placed the cigarettes on the counter.  I decided to wander through the store and touched everything I could to waste time. 
I finally made my way to the counter and like most stores the chocolate bars were below it.  My parents gave me the exact amount for their cigarettes.  I put the coins on the counter and as the owner was about to take it the phone ringed.  She trusted I had right amount and said I could go.
She turned her back and I really wanted a chocolate bar.  I grabbed one and ran.  I moved as fast as I could.  I didn’t get far.  I felt so much guilt came over me.   I started to cry and I panicked.  What do I do now?
I couldn’t go home.  I couldn’t eat the chocolate bar.  I couldn’t move.  I looked around for help.  There was no one available to help me.  I stole a chocolate bar and I had to return it.  The couple was always caring and supportive. 
I had to face them.  I turned and walked back to the store.  I approached the door slowly.   I was only gone for a few minutes and she immediately noticed my tears.  She emerged from behind the counter and kneeled down to comfort me.  My heart sunk because even then she was being gentle and sweet to me.  I didn’t know how to tell her.  I began to sob and she couldn’t understand a word I was saying.  I pulled the chocolate bar out of my pocket and handed it to her.  She called for her husband.  
When he came to the front of the store I was very frighten but I was able to utter the words.  I stole from them.  They spoke softly and explained that what I did was wrong.  They were pleased that I returned it.  They also informed me if I did it again they would report it to my parents. They then asked me why I did it.  I explained how I was feeling and what my parents told me.  They knew this was not my normal behaviour.  After I calmed down, they did the most surprising thing.  They gave me the chocolate bar for free.

I Stuck My Tongue Out At My CEO!

I worked for a money management firm and with the continuous market fluctuations everyone was worried about losing their jobs.  There was tension and you could feel it the moment you through the glass doors.  Our CEO had major business decisions that could bring success or challenges to the company and his staff.  I’ll call my CEO, Smith for the purpose of my story. Over twenty years ago, Smith and his associates created the company and he was the remaining founding officer. 
Most mornings, I would see him and ask, “How are you, Smith?”
The answer was always, “I’m fine, Naomi, thanks for asking.”
One day, I was standing at reception with my tea chatting with my friend and Smith came through the glass doors.  I didn’t recognize him.  He was no longer standing tall.  His body language suggested that he was not in good health.  All of the stress was taking a toll on his life source. 
“How are you, Smith?” I asked knowing the answer was ‘not good’ or ‘crappy’.
Yet, he gave his standard answer, “I’m fine. Thanks for asking.”  
I knew in my heart I had to do something different.  He is human after all and I didn’t know him personally.  There had to be something I could do to lift his spirit in that moment.  Before he went through the next door I yelled, “Hey Smith!!!” and I did it!!
I stuck my tongue out at my CEO!!
Yes, I did and I didn’t hold back.  I even made funny sounds that went along with it.
He was shocked and didn’t really get it right away.  Then it hit him, he started to laugh so hard that he almost fell over.  Of course I started to laugh.  I don't just laugh I snort like a pig.  So the receptionist, the CEO and I were laughing.  It was magnificent.  His posture changed and he said, “Thanks, I needed that.” 
“Any time, Smith, any time! I can also make faces,” was my response.  I then proceeded to share my favourite childhood faces and we continued to laugh. 
That changed my relationship with Smith.  He no longer said he was fine.  He would see me in the office and stick his tongue out at me.  The other employees couldn’t believe it.  He stopped by my desk for a laugh which he never did before.  He called me ‘Kido’ and we built a friendship of mutual understanding.  We discussed life and shared stories of our love ones. We became very relaxed and playful around each other.  
During the summer Smith’s 18 years old son started to work at our company which I only spoken to him a few times.  I’ll call him Smith Jr. What does a 30 something year old woman have in common with an 18 years old?
Smith’s health continued to suffer.  Unfortunately, my life’s situation was not going well and I left the office for over 8 months.  When I returned I stopped by Smith’s office, I learned that he was in and out of the office because of his illness.  He showed such strength but deep down was having a difficult time.
He didn’t know what happened to me during the past 8 months.  But, he did notice that no one dared to stick their tongues out at him.  So, of course I continued.
Months later, there was a celebration for his 25th year of service with the company.  I sat close as he gave his speech. This is some of what I remembered and I’m paraphrasing, ‘I am the luckiest man alive.  I am able to do what I love and I work with the most amazing people every day that are as passionate as I am.  Always follow and live your dreams.’ 
Smith’s courage and devotional heart truly shined.  He influenced my life deeply. He stopped working shortly afterwards and remained at home until the end of his life.  I found out that he was battling pancreatic cancer. 
The following summer, Smith Jr. returned to the office.  I stopped by his desk and shared my admiration for his father. I explained how grateful I was to know his father and how Smith was very proud of him.  
Smith Jr. said, “my father told me about your special relationship.  Dad wished that I could have the same relationship with you.”  That touched my heart and from that day forward I stuck my tongue out at Smith Jr.
So don’t be afraid to be in the moment: stick your tongue out at your CEO!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Honouring Myself

I was in a snowsuit at Queen’s Park playing in the snow.  I had a few difficult weeks struggling with an unhealthy relationship which I kept because I felt I needed it.  I felt that I could not find someone else that was interested in creating inspirational music and understood my energy work.  I love to sing and at times, I would shake like a leaf on stage.  My friend was supportive and also felt uneasy performing.  We had similar characteristics and required mutual support.  Why would I end this relationship? Well, we also had different views on life and definitions of words such as trust, honesty and respect.  I didn’t realized how strongly I felt about my personal values until this person stomped on them.  I knew that we didn’t agree on many life choices but I didn’t judge.  I buried my head in the sand because I didn’t want to lose the relationship.  My intuition told me to speak up and express my views and set boundaries.  I ignored the warning signs and a situation evolved over time that I could no longer deny was happening. 
I became angry because my friend didn’t take the subtle hints I was giving to back off.  My anger exploded in my face and even then I didn’t want to share what was going on.  I finally expressed that I was completely uncomfortable with the events that lead up to what happened. This friend apologized then stated I was complete wrong for feeling the way I did and that this friend will not stop behaving in that manner just because I was uncomfortable.  After hearing that, I asked for personal space and time to figure out what I truly wanted from the relationship. I explained that the bonds of trust were completely broken. 
I was then bombarded with emails asking me to spend time with this friend.  This friend felt it was necessary to compliment me and attack me in the same email.  I felt that this person was being overly persistent and aggressive not honouring or respecting my requests or taking them seriously.    
Throughout the experience I was fighting with my own values and my playful side was stuffed into a corner.  I felt I had to compromise but every additional line of communication from the person was full of hurtful and underlying attacks.  The main reason it happened was because we wanted different things from the relationship.  We expected things that we didn’t express in the beginning.  This experience helped me re-evaluate and define my values in a concrete form.  I realized with the help of a coach and other friends that I can compromise on some things but I don’t have to compromise on my values just to keep the peace.  By honouring myself I am respecting and valuing who I am.  Once I came to that conclusion I made the decision to end the relationship.  I wanted to enjoy my life again.
I had a clean slate to recreate my life and the snow symbolized that for me.  I had to return an item to this person.  It was difficult for me to see this person because I was not pleased with all the correspondence I was receiving and I didn’t want to involve others in this situation.  I arrived with the item in hand and had a weak smile.  As I handed it over I was asked where my dog sled team was.  I completely forgot I was wearing a snowsuit. I thanked the person for the use of the item.  I was then told that this person was purchasing a similar item, was promoted and had some advice for me.  I congratulated this person and said thanks again. I took a deep breath, walked away and went to Queen’s Park.  Over those past three weeks all I did was stress about this situation and I ignored my life.
At Queen’s Park the snow was fluffy and I sat down on the ground.  I had a sinking feeling that I made the wrong decision about the relationship, I should ask for forgiveness.  I sat there in the snow feeling the cool air on my face and was determined to drop it so that I could make a snowman.   I pushed the snow into a pile and a man shouted out from a cleared path, “You’re making the first snowman in Queen’s Park!  Is it packing snow?”  “No, but I’ll do my best.”  He walked away. The snow didn’t want to co-operate. I became frustrated with myself and wanted to leave.  I stopped and stared at the snow in front of me, I heard a hawk squawk over my head.  It was holding a small bird in its claws and landed in a tree beside me.  A second hawk followed.  I started to laugh because hawks seem to follow me when I’m in nature.  I relaxed and decided I will play in the snow.  I needed to be less serious.  I decided to sing a tune.  Then these words came to me.
                Come little chipmunk,
                come and play with me
                as I play amongst the evergreens.
                Come little chipmunk,
                come and play with me
                as I sing and play joyously.
                Come little chipmunk,
                come and play with me
                and we will have a feast.

The lyrics kept changing.  At one point I came across a piece of poop - frozen poop.  I threw it away quickly and continued singing.   Yes, it was gross but I was on a roll.  I created some type of snow sculpture.  Wow... I created a swan out of snow.  I didn’t know I could do that.  How did it happen?  I kept singing and relaxed.  After a few minutes I thought I received a called but I didn’t want to look at my phone.  I continued to play.  What else can I make?
I created a new pile and a sea turtle formed. I look up in the tree and there was only one hawk enjoying its meal. I noticed people watching me, some stopped and stared, while others continued on.  I stood up and looked at my artwork.  I giggled like a little girl and I threw myself in the snow to make a snow angel.  I felt amazing.  I rose and drank some cold water from my purple metal bottle.
I had no idea what time it was, finally looking at my cell phone.  I had a text message.  It was from the friend I just ended the relationship.  The text message was send within minutes after I left.  I was told that I did something wrong in a past life to this person and that I was forgiven.  If I wanted to talk about it I could call.  It was comical because I knew it was yet another way of getting my attention.  I made the correct decision to move on.  I put my phone away and made another snow animal.  I pushed the snow together and I created an alligator.  Wow... how awesome is that?  I’ve created three different snow animals.
I stood up, fixed the alligator and a woman walked over to me.  She asked if I made the sculptures.  She correctly identified each of them and asked if she could take a few pictures.  She told me that seeing them changed her mood.  She asked me if I made snow sculptures all the time. I told her no, I only wanted to have an experience of being in the snow.  I told her I was being extremely hard on myself and become overwhelmed with a situation.  I realized that I needed to stop all the judgments, be kinder and gentler to myself. 
That day, I reconnected to my inner spirit as I played in the snow.  I was able to let go and express myself in a simple way.  An hour after dropping off the item to the person, I looked up and the hawk was gone.  I took that as a sign to get up and go.  I felt free as I trusted and honoured myself in the moment.