Friday, June 19, 2015


What is the definition of change? 

The dictionary states: to make or become different.  

That doesn’t sound so bad.  I’ve made changes like cutting my hip length hair to a boy’s cut.  Now that was a big change.  I’ve done it a few times in my life, where I needed a dramatic change immediately.  It’s seemed to do the trick.  I had a new identity for months.  I couldn’t hide my face anymore behind my hair.

Change comes in many forms like using different toothpaste, or making a shift in the type of work you do.  Some changes or differences can cause some discomfort.  Some changes or differences can also create great joy and excited.  It all depends on how you view the difference in comparison to the familiar.

I’m certainly one to talk because changes make me nervous.  I wish I would be more excited than nervous.  I do like to shock people with my differences but I first need to get over the initial jump before they do.  Oh, it’s certainly something to come home with a nipple piercing and brag about the event.  Yep, I did all those things as a 20 year-old young mom.  I needed newness in my life and that did the trick.  I noticed that I used the phrase “did the trick” or “do the trick” as if a little song and dance would make life all better.  What actually happened after cutting my hair or getting a piercing?  Well, it was a temporary novelty in my life.  I wanted my long locks back and the piercing was irritating. 

What was the point?  The first time I cut my long hair, I was a young mom with twin boys that pulled at my curls.  They needed something to hold and they would unknowingly yank the roots out of my scalp.  “Ouchy.”  I needed to cut my hair.  It made life easier for me to hold my boys and I didn’t need to worry about losing anymore strands.  The second time I cut my long hair, I was unhappy with my life.  My work was not fulfilling. My love life was falling apart. I wanted to let go of all the things that was stressing me out so I cut my hair.  It was the first step to letting go.  My hair represented years of growth.  So dropping the locks helped.

Of course cutting my hair is not always the type of change that I would encounter. I dealt with changes or differences in other ways. Let me see if I can recall another type of change that was noticeable from the outside world.  Hmmmm… I left my 13-year relationship, sold our house, and moved out with my twins into a three bedrooms apartment without telling most of my family what I was doing.  That was shocker to the world around me.  I didn’t discuss it with others. I finally made a decision, planned, and initiated the change or again “difference.”  That was something.  I wonder how that shift really manifested itself.  It was a transformation.  Yes, it was challenging but it was also something that I needed at the time.

There are pending changes that are coming up in my life right now.  Actually, this year I’ve had a number of huge shifts already.  Some circumstances that I knew were coming and did nothing about it. Then again, I made a number of adjustments where I decided on a new direction.  Now that’s empowering.  It’s all about making a conscious decision by weighing my needs, desires, and the issues at hand.  I realized that I sometimes over analyze situations and forget about my true feelings.  I’ve valued certain thoughts with a higher view than my feelings and I became stuck within indecision.  This can be my kryptonite. Oh, the stage where I become 'paralysed by analyzes' (a phrase that a good friend pinpointed right away). It’s a place where I look right, then left, then up, and down.  I start all over again, by looking up, right, left, and down.  My thoughts spin and my breath shortens.  I decide to touch my toes, and if I could I would like to suck them. But alas, that’s not productive.  I do whatever I can to avoid my feelings that are telling me I need to make a positive change, adjustment, or a transformation.  What do I do then?  I go outside.  I remember my breath.  I start to pray.  I take a shower.  I create art.  I cry.  That’s when all of the above actually brings me closer to understanding my needs.  I take a break to know myself which lead me to more changes.

Thank goodness for changes because without them life would be dull.

(This piece was written back in 2014.  I'm sharing it now because change is constantly happening in my life and it is healing to sharing it.)