Thursday, December 20, 2012


Afternoon heat with sun's ray.
Dragonflies dances and sways.

Colours bounce from the flickering of wings.
They hum like the angels' sings.

Zigzag motions, highs and lows.
Why not dance with their lovely tones?

Monday, October 1, 2012

Sweetness from Above

Yesterday, I was walking along Dundas toward Jarvis, I noticed a white object in front of a red backdrop suspended in air.  At first I thought it was a spider that made its web over the middle of the road but there was nothing to attach the thread to.  It was too high in the sky.  I continued to walk along the street with my eyes gazing at the sky.  I almost bumped into two different people watching the object very slowly descend from above.  At one point, I thought I lost sight of it as it blended in with the white clouds.  I slowed my pace until I connected with it again.  Once I did I stood still and waited for it to come closer.  There it was, a small white down feather, floating toward me.  I reached out cupping my hand and this soft sweet gift from above landed in my palm.  I closed my hand I held it close to my lips and smiled.  I felt like I was kissed with golden love. I was pleased that I followed my curiosity as sweetness came to me in a gentle way.  I tucked it into my pocket and strolled down the street.  Unfortunately, throughout the day I did lose it BUT the moment was very precious for me, Such sweet blessings as I allow myself to be.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Smile Toss 2012

October is coming and the weather starts to get colder.  In the Northern Hemisphere we have turned away from the sun but that doesn't mean that our hearts needs to. 

I remember playing a game called the Smile Toss, where you would sit in a circle and one person would put a smile on his/her face.  That person would toss it to another person.  They would catch it.  They had the option of holding it for a raining day or passing it to another person. 

In the spirit of spreading joy and creating a more loving experience I'm suggesting that you attend the Smile Toss game on Facebook.  Here is the link.  Smile Toss 2012.

Feel free to share it with other people.  Share your smile and a little piece of grace with fill your spirit.

Many blessings and love!

Monday, September 10, 2012

I Miss Spreadsheets

Isn't that funny? 

Years of working with data, calculating, formulating and graphing on a daily basis.  I didn't realize that tracking figures actually brought me joy.  I love solving problems, creating solutions, tracking and debugging software.  This part of me was pushed aside for awhile. 

I also love working with people, training and empowering them. Along with the interpersonal relationships where we share and express our emotional selves stepping away from the number games and the accuracy of formulated patterns. 

I crave an understanding of the human mind, body and spirit. Our humanness and healing of the heart. To miss spreadsheets and know that along with the logical and functionality of my mind, I’m still contributing to the world of society, finding intimacy beyond the clicking of a mouse or tapping of a keyboard. 

I choose to recognize skills that embody more of my nurturing being and blend them like a sum of pieces to create a flowchart from innovation to creation and back again. A constant reconfiguration of source such as water transforming from gas to liquid to solid. A cleansing of characteristics to define and cement ideas, plans and foundations to last many lifetimes and generations. 

A teardrop for my fellow beings’ distance hearts as I try to express a virtual hug upon the screen, embedding a sense of love as they scroll through the pages. Oh spreadsheets, how do you hold a vision of humanity when you are cells within a large block? A blank canvas ... is this art?

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Sneaky Awareness! SNORT!

Have you ever had a story in your mind and you don’t know how it pans out?  I swear that’s how my life feels at the moment.  There are many factors and various challenges, but most of them feel manageable.  So, what’s the big deal?

Make a decision, right?  Sure.  I was able to quit jobs or end relationships that did not serve or support me in a spiritual way.  At this time, I feel I need to think more about others. Then I make decisions based on what others think I should do.  Oh.. I would not make a decision because the people around me will not understand. Here comes blaming others... that is the easy way out.  Okay, I will admit it. I am scared.  I am scared that I will make the wrong decision.  I do not know where this came from.  Again, I was able to "drop it like it’s hot" before so what is the big deal?

I do not have a complete plan.  I mean I have not thought about having any large dreams; like living on boat in the Caribbean or being on stage to sing for millions of people.  My dreams are more humble, more simple and sweet.  I dream of living and working in a garden of vegetables and flowers.  I see myself around animals and children.  I teach children to listen with their hearts and feel what the plants are saying.  I interpret what the signs are from the environment and ask the Earth when we can harvest food to eat.
This is a huge dream to me.  Over time, I feel that I work with the elements of the world to help bring them back into balance.  I live within a communal environment where everyone shares their labours and harvests.  All ages are welcome.  We do not send our dying to hospitals but love them to the end of their days in our “living rooms.”  Life is life, especially if you still have breath.
The other day, I went for a walk and a street called to me.  Yes, a street called to me, “come this way.”  As I walked, I saw the number 555. To me this means huge changes are occurring.  I trusted what I heard.  I strolled down the street and enjoyed the scenery.  I came upon another corner, “this way.”  This time, I did not hesitate.  A tree whispered “come closer,” it was a fruit bearing tree.  The berries were dark blue and smelt fresh and inviting.  I looked up and a squirrel was enjoying the berries.  I asked if I could have some too.  I never ate fruit directly off a tree I just met.  Of course I have had cherries at a cherry farm but I knew the fruit was safe to eat.  But from a tree I just met. 

As I touched the trunk of the small tree, I asked again, if I could eat its fruit.  I got a definite, “yes.”  The “YES” was spoken with a sweet and soft voice and held a deep mutual respect and gratitude.  I felt honoured to eat “her” fruit.  I reached up and took a small raspberry like deep blue berry.  It was ripe and from the pressure of my hand the little parts actually burst in my fingers.  The juices were bright and the smell was FAB-U-LOUS!  I could not wait to put it in my mouth.  The sweet nectar of this berry filled my mouth and my tongue rejoiced.  Oh... sweet Mary.  (I was surprised, I said that).  
I reached for another berry.  The squirrel was still eating too.  It did not seem to mind that I was there.  I examined the berry and its small clusters.  I still do not know what it was called.  I realized at that moment, the day before, my friend was serving these berries.  She took them from a tree in her yard.   I tossed another berry into my mouth.  I had to move because people were walking by.  I continued to pick and eat the fruit.
I looked at the grouping of the berries. There was a ripe one and three or four behind waiting for their turn.  I enjoyed the largest from the bottom of the tree and I could see the squirrel leaning out for the big ones at the top.  I was having a snack with a furry friend.  How delightful.  “Are you enjoying yours?” I asked.  The squirrel did not seem to respond.

I started to worry that I would eat too many and other small animals would not get them.  “Look at the ground,” whispered the tree.  At my feet was rotting fruit.  “There is plenty.”  I did not feel as bad.  I took a few more.  Each time the sweetness filled my senses I felt so much joy and love.  Why do not I feel this way with other foods?  “You have and can.”

I then remembered eating a pear that was on my kitchen table.  It was there for a while.  I really needed to eat it earlier.  I washed it and thanked the pear for staying ripe even though it was over a week old.  I ran out the door and down the stairs. I took a bite of the pear and the juices rushed my mouth.  I had to stop because it was truly sweet and dripping down my lips.  I could not believe it was a week old pear because I ate one before and it did not compare to this one.  Oh, how delicious.  My eyes rolled back as if I needed to experience this pear within another dimension.  I kissed the pear and thanked it for its life.  I felt an overwhelming sense of love and appreciation.  I continued walking along the street and bite after bite I was filled with more love and joy.  I was licking my fingers to catch all the juice.  It is true.  I felt love and joy before , what a memory to hold as I was under the deep blue berry tree.
“Thank you, sweet, dear tree,” as I licked my fingers again with the memory of the pear and juices of the berries.  I felt really special to have received your fruit and honoured by your words and love.  I took one more berry and waved goodbye to the squirrel stretched out on a branch munching away on a cluster of pure joy. 

Oh, to realize I am already moving towards my biggest dream is relaxing and comforting.  I am taking little steps towards a healthier and happier lifestyle.  Am I making a decision to do this?  Probably... but I was not aware of it before.  Awareness, it really sneaks up on you does not it? SNORT!

I just asked what they were.  "Mulberries!"  Why did not I ask the tree? Doh!

Monday, April 30, 2012

Daffodil's Cup

Mixed signs and signals when words are placed by the wayside.
Guessing and looking for clues when a direct approach is preferred.
Forging with one eye open and the other clouded with red dye.
Being honest with one’s heart clears the forest floor like a gust of wind.

An area of expertise would be greatly appreciated.

The appearance of objects scattered over the ocean’s surface drifting with currents.
The gravitational forces driving towards each other with impact of the unknown outcome faces them.
Steer wisely, one may ask using oars of daffodil's cup. 
The gentle curves of the flower's face with wishes of a bright beginning and thus another day.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Stories to be Told

How do you know where to start?
Feelings that take control of your life.
Standing waiting for the train
listening to music that
only you can hear.
Drifting to and from
distance tones and tempos.
Your breathing changes
even your heart beats differently.
Music is a part of your life.
Remembering something from your past
and then having the sense of being whole.
Taking a moment in
your busy day to
connect with yourself.
Love is in your heart
something hiding
but visible to you
if you ask for it.

Precious Life

Precious life
starting out new
in the arms of a caregiver.

They teach us with
gentle and sweet kisses
tenderness and love.

This love - that awakens our spirit.

Creating a smile and a sense
of endless hope from within.

Hope that can shine
through the darkest of clouds.
Illustrations of light
containing multiple dimensions.

Opening of one’s soul can - change the world.

This world of everlasting relationships,
balancing on this fine thread of life.

Moments to give selflessly,
by giving completely.

Taken with cherished notions,
and deepening one’s compassion.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Life as a Teenage Mother

Left to start a new life
carried my children in my arms
Hope, even when the future was unknown

Courage to face challenges
single young mother of twin one year olds
Knocked on doors to find a home

Relieved to find an empty space
a place to call our own
Broke down the stereotypes

Stood up against the odds
learned what I could
Studied to get my college degree

Fought with TTC drivers
Told I didn't have a place
amongst the working class

Decided not to give up my dream
faced reality and told it to move aside
Three years later, diploma in hand

(First published in Verse Afire, The Ontario Poetry Society, I.S.S.N. 1715-0280 Sept. to Dec. 2010 Vol. 7 No. 3)

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Spontaneous Singing

We are not always glamorous and we sometimes need to wear our sweats and sing.   I love to sing and I wanted to hear it for myself. It was taped on October 8, 2010.

When you make up songs it lifts your spirit.  It releases tension and also brightens your being.  If you’re already in a good mood, music burst out with a one-two punch.  AWESOME!!!

Why not play with sound?

Friday, March 30, 2012

White Buffalo

We looked upon each other and bowed
I stepped forward as we gazed into each other’s eyes
The beauty of this majestic creature filled my spirit
It laid down and offered its life to me

Me, you give your life for me?

Yes, I give you my fur to cover and cloth you.
Yes, I give you my flesh to feed you.
Yes, I give you my spirit to walk with you.

I can’t take your life as I feel you must live.

Understand that I offer you what you need
I offer you what I have.

I am grateful and honoured for your gift
Your life as a gift
I will cherish and pray for your spirit
I will share your gift with those around me
I will share your story so that we will remember
I will give as you have given to me

I’m not asking you to give your life
I ask that you share what you can give
All creatures are sacred
Pray for all to receive
Show gratitude for what was and is given

Friday, March 23, 2012

Childhood Friend

Friendship from my past
came back into my life.
Memories of you always
warmed my heart.

It's been too long since
I've seen your smile.
Waiting for you to return
with blazing and shining light.

Why did we drift apart?
Does it truly matter?
We've reconnected now
let's continue to grow.

You've told me you're ill
and require some added love.
I'll be there for you,
don't doubt it for a moment.

Our friendship is strong.
We've gone through a lot,
Please don't
hesitate to ask.

Put the idea aside,
I'll be awake at dawn
I'll take you to the hospital
I'll wait by your side.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

A Walk With Nature

There are many times when I strolled down the street and noticed animals doing what they do.  It’s quite amazing to see how some creatures don’t even notice people unless they are moving. 
On a summer's day, I was walking along Coxwell Avenue.  There was a long stretch of grass and a small area which I never seen before.  Midway down the street under the path was a pipe that emptied onto the ground.  I heard a noise and stopped to see what was busily working there.  I saw a groundhog drinking water.  I quietly crouched down low so that I didn’t frighten it.  It had no care in the world while it enjoyed the water and lifted its head once or twice.  It was completely peaceful until someone walked by me.  The groundhog ran for cover and I walked away.
I continued on my journey to the lake.  At the foot of Coxwell Avenue there was a small water area for boats to dock.  In the middle was a swan.  I kneeled by the rocks and whispered to the swan to come to me.  I’m not sure what I was thinking because it swam closer and then I remember that swans like their personal space and can get angry.  I said, “I don’t have anything for you I just wanted to look at you.”  It probably didn’t even hear me but it stopped and plunged its head in the water.  I was extremely close to the swan and I observed it.  How awesome to be near a bird that wasn’t afraid of me?  The swan finally swam away and I bid it farewell.
How could my walk top that experience? Well, I decided to wander to the sandy beach.  I walked barefoot on the hot sand. Ouch, ouch, okay, I was hopping across the sand.  I stopped at the edge of the water and squished my toes in the wet sand.  The water rolled over the tops of my toes and then my feet.  It was refreshing to feel the cool water.  I started kicking the mud up and out towards the water each time the waves covered my feet with soothing mud.  I tossed my shoes behind me and rolled up my jeans to my knees.
I splashed and jumped in the waves. Then I leaned over and dipped my fuzzy, curly hair in the water.  I flipped it and water dripped down my back.  It was colder on my neck then on my feet.  There were a few clouds in the sky and they seemed to dance infront of the sun but never for too long.  Within moments, I watched seagulls catch small fish in the shallow waters.  Little insects were swarming in varies areas along the edge of the water. 
I raised my arms in the air pretending to soar with the seagulls.  They seemed to fly over my head and I sang to them.  They sang back.  I felt the pebbles under my feet and I pushed them aside as I dug my feet into the sand under the water.  I wanted to feel earth, air and water at the same time.  Children on the beach were throwing pebbles and skipping stones.  Dogs were off leash and running across the edge of the water.  Some dogs came up to smell my hands before passing me.  I continued to play within the elements of the day’s sun.  The gentle wind pushed the waves further on to the beach. 
I had my full and decided it was time to head home.  I came out of the water and wiped my feet with my hands.  I finally put my shoes on.  I rolled my jeans down and walked toward the boardwalk.  Along the boardwalk are a number of large trees and I slowly passed them touching their bark while thanking them for the shade.  
I stopped on the grass and stayed for a few minutes longer. I felt an urge to dance, to freely jump, turn and glide on the ground.  My time was not up I could still enjoy nature.  Every squirrel seemed to stop and look.  The birds seemed to notice as I continued to dance.  I needed to have a drink and I finished my bottle of water.  It WAS time for me to go.  Afterwards, I jumped on the bus. My visit with nature was over until next time.

Embedded in My Heart

I love children’s music and watching children dance, especially little ones that just learned to walk.  They bounce up and down sometimes with large diapers.  They’re so adorable. 

I remember when my boys were babies and they first learned to walk.  That’s over 17 years ago.  I was living with my parents and we had an open concept living and dining room.  We had a large blue reclining chair and an old wood stove that separated the two areas.  Andre, my oldest by 12 minutes, already walked while holding the couch but this day was different.
Andre let go of the couch and balanced on his legs, slowly crouching down and lifting up again.  He moved one foot forward and then the next.  I jumped up and started clapping in excitement.  He was startled and dropped down on his bottom.  He didn’t realize I was that close.  He was wearing a cloth diaper because the cost of a disposal ones were ridiculous for twins.  His bottom was padded and he just looked at me.  I told him I was sorry and asked him to try again.  He pulled himself up and made his way around the blue chair. 
I started to laugh and giggle with him.  He went forward a few steps and then fell on his bum.  My mother was with us and of course she was cheering him on.  Damian was sitting in the living room area watching.  Until that day Damian didn’t even attempted to stand up.  He gathered all his strength and pulled himself up.  Oh my goodness.  He wobbled and then landed on his bum.  He started to cried.  I told him it was okay.  It was his first try.  He didn’t even use the couch!  What do you expect, Sweetie?
Andre was doing laps around the chair and Damian watched us cheering him on.  I couldn’t hold back my excitement.  Damian forced himself to move.  He pulled himself up again and took two steps.  He gently sat back down.  Each time he tried he moved more steps. I couldn’t help but giggle.  They were both so adorable in their oversized cloth diapers walking around the chair.  I jumped on the chair and peeked over at them as they moved and smiled as they came around to the front.  My mother was sitting at the dining room table and then she decided to sit on the floor as they walked around.
I asked them if they could walk around the other way, counter clockwise. They didn’t understand right away but they got the idea.  Round and round they went and we all enjoyed every minute of it.  They both were walking.  My mother finally looked at me and said you are in serious terrible.  Maybe, but at that moment it was fulfilling.  They finally tired themselves out and we settled in the living room.  I stroked their hair and gave them celebratory kisses.  We settled down and built a puzzle together and the experience was over.
Even now, I still remember the experience with a great deal of happiness.  I’m sure they don’t remember but the sensations and feelings are embedded in my heart.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Sparrow's Song

I took a walk in my neighbourhood and there were sparrows flocking in the trees around me.  I taped them singing on a voice recording device.  As a tribute to sparrows I created a short video with pictures.  This was my first attempt using the Windows Live Movie Marker program.  Enjoy. 

By Lake Ontario

A few days ago, I walked down to the beach and watch the waves come in. It was extremely calming so I decided to film it. You will hear the wind, the waves and me breathing. Before I headed home I lied down on the cold sand and watched the clouds pass by. A few dogs decided to greet me by licking my face and I giggled with delight. Please enjoy the short video. Love and peace.

Flowering Roses

As time passes the first rose
opens to reveal its true beauty.

All is calm.
All is peaceful.

After the first has proven
it can be done,
others venture forth
and blossom
one by one.

Thank you dear rose

for your bravery and strength
as you face the world with
all your uniqueness and beauty. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Pattern of Light

A vision on the street below,
a chain link of shadows
intertwining darkness and light.
The earth slowly turns
and the pattern change.
Still integrate,
yet it is
simply a reflection
of our mirror glass world.
It invites you to gazes,
to follow
the light's sudden movements.
Sound lowers to a gentle hum
as you get lost in live art.
Moving shapes from
squares to concaved figures.
These diamonds of light
reminding you to have faith
that everything is happening
the way it should.

What's Your Colours?

Expressing ourselves through colours,
a form of emotional truths,
rising from a person's heart.

Having substance beyond the sensing vision 
their temperatures radiate at different levels,
you can feel them at any distance.

People never know their source
until they reflect on their inner colours.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Take the Shot!

I love going for walks in nature and afterwards I feel refreshed and full of life.  I love encountering many different things and most of the time I stop, stare and if I can, even touch them.  When I have time, I love to lie down in the grass and watched the clouds float by.  They turn into beautiful objects.  Once I noticed a giraffe that morphed into a fish and then transformed into a monkey.  Sometimes I see absolutely nothing and that's fine because I still enjoyed watching the clouds change the sky into different hues of blues mixed with white.

A few days ago during a walk I noticed a telephone/electric wooden pole that had these markings.  I stopped in my tracks and stared at the pole.  I swear I saw an angel and an owl.    I really wished I took my camera with me.  I don't have an up-to-date cell phone with a camera.  I actually carry around my old Olympus digital camera I received from work over 8 years ago.  Oh my... it's been that long, well, it still works.  I'm not complaining. Actually I'm the type of girl that keeps things until they break and I don't want to spend funds when I don't "need" to.

Well, today, I decided to bring my camera and if something came up I would take the shot.  "Take the shot" that's interesting.  I didn’t realize that it was risking anything by capturing things that inspires me.  Oh, here I go.  The experience of seeing these two images on a telephone/electric pole has given me insight to my own life.  How wonderful!

I was very fortunate to pass the pole again this week, especially carrying my camera. 

Something tells me that you’ve been holding back just as much as I have, so my advice is to “take the shot” and be on the lookout for your own inspiration.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Support of a Good Friend

I became quiet and you noticed
my voice soften while you listened
you asked if you could help
but I resisted.

I didn't want to ask
and thank God you knew
that I was in need
of something true.

You grabbed me and let me cry
within your arms I knew I wouldn't die
I sobbed and my energy shifted.

I was embarrassed and wanted to run
but you held on tight
and didn't make a sound.
Crying was what I needed and
you waited until it was completed.

It was over fast and painless.
We smile and it was truly shameless.

You reminded me I would do the same.
Let it go, let's get on with our game.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Phases of My Life

Naomi Celeste Benoist
Mon petite chou
Auntie Nai
Andre & Damian's mom
Fart face
Fuckin' retard
Naomi Celesté

Inner Dialogue

Should my bank account be lined with money that was given to me because I kept my mouth shut?

What is abuse of power mean and why do we allow people to have it over us?

Is it just how our society behaves, we do what we are told because we must eat what they pollute us with?

These questions fill my mind at times when my bank account is almost at zero and my credit is maxed.  Did society do this to me or did I follow an old program of ultimate self imposed slavery?

How do you bring out the best in yourself when you stand in the mirror of a collective consciousness where giving all of yourself to an authority to get a little some of money.  Money that lets you think belongs to you.  The funds are never yours, they just transfer from one hand to the next, exchanging energy in ways that our words do not.  It's commonly accepted by people of power.  What is power and how does it generate fear of the average person?  Why do we all allow this fake currency of energy take toll on us? 

I've heard that money is the greatest evil, but what make it that way?  Who said that one person should get all of it and another not?  How are my views on currency and its place in my life?

I understand that I require funds to cover my basic family needs, food, water, clothing and shelter in the environment that we live in.  This is physical/realistic truth in my world as a human being.  Each idea I have to generate funds to support my family has been delayed due to the fact of my own views of self-worth.  Self-worth? I am worthily of many things, love, money and happiness.  I can do what I wish to do and still be happy with my daily living situation.  I know that I want to do something that changes my world and my family's lives.  To give myself, the pleasures that do not have a monetary value or exchange anymore that emotional strengthen.  I have responsibilities of my children's health and well being.  These are the facts of being a mother in the living physical reality.  There are choices based on some limitations, I still have leeway on my life and how I choose to live it.

Many things have occurred in this year.  Lust, trust and self acceptance that I am not the person I thought I was.  I AM.  That's what came up.  I AM.  There are many things that I can not explain.  I trust what is going on in my life.  Surrendering to the powers that are, accepting that I do not know what will happen next.  I need to make decisions based on physical facts on how to support my family but I do not want to give up my spiritual quest hoping to align myself in all aspects, Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically and Mentally.  This is my goal at this time.  NOW.  To stay focused on what really is important.  What brings out the best in my life and my being?  IAM. 

I'm going through a major transformation, still shedding my skin and looking at what has occurred and forgetting my old self.  Losing an endless self filled of sadness.  I know there is more to the daily trials of life as we know it.  I am life.  We are all life.  We are not what our environment makes us.  We can transform, we can move within the time of our own consciousness and create dreams into reality.  All physical things started with an idea or a thought and people decided I will make it true.  Why do we stop when we all know this?

Why have I stopped believing that I am a creator too?  My talents are mine and I must share and express them by exploring my inner world.  Imagination is an endless space to be filled with anything and everything.

There were people that knew of planes and space travel centuries before it occurred.  How did they know this?  Was it from their imagination, thoughts, or collective consciousness?  We tap into it all the time but we are blocking our knowledge by plugging into chatter of sound that will not allow you to explore your own spirit.  Children with no toys can create amazing games with elephant dung.  How is that?  Our minds are constantly attracted to ways to improve our lives and finding joy in simple things.

We have lost this purity of self. I AM.  Unplugged yourself and look within for answers.  You really are not alone with what is around you.  There are ideas drifting in and out of your consciousness all the time you just ignore it because it is DIFFERENT.

Differences are important in order to create change.  You can implement change by focusing our desires and talents.  Living in the moment as it is.  Unplugging from the, I must do this or do that.  The idea of living in a world where you must conform in order to survive or fit in is unacceptable.  Why can't others around you accept that we are different because we are?

Every person has and shares a different perspective because there are always many answers to one question.  Many different outcomes and even more creative genius with the way the answers appear.  These ideas bring great hope to my spirit that we must communicate in order to grow and expand our knowledge of self and others.  We generate and attract people for various reasons. 

To be or not to be... this question, of life.  How can you not be?  There. Simple isn't it, how can you not be?  Are you not alive?  TO BE - I AM.  Or is that question asked to get you to think that you are not alive? Are you assigned a role because you have no idea of what you really are?  Stop asking and just be.  As long as you breathe you will always be.

Memory Bank

Fossils even in my memory
placing them in sequential order
matching this one to that partial

Dusting and measuring their importance
removing and labeling one
and store it elsewhere

Locked into a bank
only to view with a moment's passing

Friday, February 10, 2012

Chocolate Bar

The closest store was approximately 10 houses away from our place.  Back in the 80’s kids were allowed to purchase cigarette and both of my folks were heavy chain smokers.  Even though, at the age of 8, I was the main cigarette runner.  Occasionally, I bought the wrong brand and/or size.  I was confused with which my mother smoked compared with my father.  When I made a mistake they insisted that I return and exchange them.  Since I was going back to the store my folks agreed I could buy a chocolate bar. 
The store was owned by a Korean couple and they grew to know me very well.  I would usually enter the store humming and at times I would leave forgetting the change.  They had to call me back to get it.  Since I normally mixed up the order, they took it upon themselves to memorize which cigarettes my parents smoked.  The moment I bounced through the door they had cigarettes on the counter waiting for me.  However every few weeks my folks changing their brands and it became confusing all over again.  The owners merely shook their heads and laughed. 
I normally skipped to the store, said hi, looked at the comic books and purchased my parents’ smokes.  Sometimes when I entered the store they were stocking shelves and I asked if I could help.  They would grin and let me arrange the cans with the English labels facing forward. They were extremely kind and every now and then they would give me some penny candies.  (I still remember the chocolate disks, waxed lips, and red cherry chewy candies. That was a treat.) 
One day, before heading to the store, I asked if I could have a chocolate bar.  My parents swore that there wasn`t enough money for candy.  As my mom handed me coins, she claimed they only had funds for their smokes.  I became angry because I felt she was lying.  I still had to go, so I walked slowly down the street.  If I couldn’t have a chocolate bar then I would take my time.  When I arrived the owner was smiling at me.  I was not in the mood for her kindness.  She reached around and placed the cigarettes on the counter.  I decided to wander through the store and touched everything I could to waste time. 
I finally made my way to the counter and like most stores the chocolate bars were below it.  My parents gave me the exact amount for their cigarettes.  I put the coins on the counter and as the owner was about to take it the phone ringed.  She trusted I had right amount and said I could go.
She turned her back and I really wanted a chocolate bar.  I grabbed one and ran.  I moved as fast as I could.  I didn’t get far.  I felt so much guilt came over me.   I started to cry and I panicked.  What do I do now?
I couldn’t go home.  I couldn’t eat the chocolate bar.  I couldn’t move.  I looked around for help.  There was no one available to help me.  I stole a chocolate bar and I had to return it.  The couple was always caring and supportive. 
I had to face them.  I turned and walked back to the store.  I approached the door slowly.   I was only gone for a few minutes and she immediately noticed my tears.  She emerged from behind the counter and kneeled down to comfort me.  My heart sunk because even then she was being gentle and sweet to me.  I didn’t know how to tell her.  I began to sob and she couldn’t understand a word I was saying.  I pulled the chocolate bar out of my pocket and handed it to her.  She called for her husband.  
When he came to the front of the store I was very frighten but I was able to utter the words.  I stole from them.  They spoke softly and explained that what I did was wrong.  They were pleased that I returned it.  They also informed me if I did it again they would report it to my parents. They then asked me why I did it.  I explained how I was feeling and what my parents told me.  They knew this was not my normal behaviour.  After I calmed down, they did the most surprising thing.  They gave me the chocolate bar for free.

I Stuck My Tongue Out At My CEO!

I worked for a money management firm and with the continuous market fluctuations everyone was worried about losing their jobs.  There was tension and you could feel it the moment you through the glass doors.  Our CEO had major business decisions that could bring success or challenges to the company and his staff.  I’ll call my CEO, Smith for the purpose of my story. Over twenty years ago, Smith and his associates created the company and he was the remaining founding officer. 
Most mornings, I would see him and ask, “How are you, Smith?”
The answer was always, “I’m fine, Naomi, thanks for asking.”
One day, I was standing at reception with my tea chatting with my friend and Smith came through the glass doors.  I didn’t recognize him.  He was no longer standing tall.  His body language suggested that he was not in good health.  All of the stress was taking a toll on his life source. 
“How are you, Smith?” I asked knowing the answer was ‘not good’ or ‘crappy’.
Yet, he gave his standard answer, “I’m fine. Thanks for asking.”  
I knew in my heart I had to do something different.  He is human after all and I didn’t know him personally.  There had to be something I could do to lift his spirit in that moment.  Before he went through the next door I yelled, “Hey Smith!!!” and I did it!!
I stuck my tongue out at my CEO!!
Yes, I did and I didn’t hold back.  I even made funny sounds that went along with it.
He was shocked and didn’t really get it right away.  Then it hit him, he started to laugh so hard that he almost fell over.  Of course I started to laugh.  I don't just laugh I snort like a pig.  So the receptionist, the CEO and I were laughing.  It was magnificent.  His posture changed and he said, “Thanks, I needed that.” 
“Any time, Smith, any time! I can also make faces,” was my response.  I then proceeded to share my favourite childhood faces and we continued to laugh. 
That changed my relationship with Smith.  He no longer said he was fine.  He would see me in the office and stick his tongue out at me.  The other employees couldn’t believe it.  He stopped by my desk for a laugh which he never did before.  He called me ‘Kido’ and we built a friendship of mutual understanding.  We discussed life and shared stories of our love ones. We became very relaxed and playful around each other.  
During the summer Smith’s 18 years old son started to work at our company which I only spoken to him a few times.  I’ll call him Smith Jr. What does a 30 something year old woman have in common with an 18 years old?
Smith’s health continued to suffer.  Unfortunately, my life’s situation was not going well and I left the office for over 8 months.  When I returned I stopped by Smith’s office, I learned that he was in and out of the office because of his illness.  He showed such strength but deep down was having a difficult time.
He didn’t know what happened to me during the past 8 months.  But, he did notice that no one dared to stick their tongues out at him.  So, of course I continued.
Months later, there was a celebration for his 25th year of service with the company.  I sat close as he gave his speech. This is some of what I remembered and I’m paraphrasing, ‘I am the luckiest man alive.  I am able to do what I love and I work with the most amazing people every day that are as passionate as I am.  Always follow and live your dreams.’ 
Smith’s courage and devotional heart truly shined.  He influenced my life deeply. He stopped working shortly afterwards and remained at home until the end of his life.  I found out that he was battling pancreatic cancer. 
The following summer, Smith Jr. returned to the office.  I stopped by his desk and shared my admiration for his father. I explained how grateful I was to know his father and how Smith was very proud of him.  
Smith Jr. said, “my father told me about your special relationship.  Dad wished that I could have the same relationship with you.”  That touched my heart and from that day forward I stuck my tongue out at Smith Jr.
So don’t be afraid to be in the moment: stick your tongue out at your CEO!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Honouring Myself

I was in a snowsuit at Queen’s Park playing in the snow.  I had a few difficult weeks struggling with an unhealthy relationship which I kept because I felt I needed it.  I felt that I could not find someone else that was interested in creating inspirational music and understood my energy work.  I love to sing and at times, I would shake like a leaf on stage.  My friend was supportive and also felt uneasy performing.  We had similar characteristics and required mutual support.  Why would I end this relationship? Well, we also had different views on life and definitions of words such as trust, honesty and respect.  I didn’t realized how strongly I felt about my personal values until this person stomped on them.  I knew that we didn’t agree on many life choices but I didn’t judge.  I buried my head in the sand because I didn’t want to lose the relationship.  My intuition told me to speak up and express my views and set boundaries.  I ignored the warning signs and a situation evolved over time that I could no longer deny was happening. 
I became angry because my friend didn’t take the subtle hints I was giving to back off.  My anger exploded in my face and even then I didn’t want to share what was going on.  I finally expressed that I was completely uncomfortable with the events that lead up to what happened. This friend apologized then stated I was complete wrong for feeling the way I did and that this friend will not stop behaving in that manner just because I was uncomfortable.  After hearing that, I asked for personal space and time to figure out what I truly wanted from the relationship. I explained that the bonds of trust were completely broken. 
I was then bombarded with emails asking me to spend time with this friend.  This friend felt it was necessary to compliment me and attack me in the same email.  I felt that this person was being overly persistent and aggressive not honouring or respecting my requests or taking them seriously.    
Throughout the experience I was fighting with my own values and my playful side was stuffed into a corner.  I felt I had to compromise but every additional line of communication from the person was full of hurtful and underlying attacks.  The main reason it happened was because we wanted different things from the relationship.  We expected things that we didn’t express in the beginning.  This experience helped me re-evaluate and define my values in a concrete form.  I realized with the help of a coach and other friends that I can compromise on some things but I don’t have to compromise on my values just to keep the peace.  By honouring myself I am respecting and valuing who I am.  Once I came to that conclusion I made the decision to end the relationship.  I wanted to enjoy my life again.
I had a clean slate to recreate my life and the snow symbolized that for me.  I had to return an item to this person.  It was difficult for me to see this person because I was not pleased with all the correspondence I was receiving and I didn’t want to involve others in this situation.  I arrived with the item in hand and had a weak smile.  As I handed it over I was asked where my dog sled team was.  I completely forgot I was wearing a snowsuit. I thanked the person for the use of the item.  I was then told that this person was purchasing a similar item, was promoted and had some advice for me.  I congratulated this person and said thanks again. I took a deep breath, walked away and went to Queen’s Park.  Over those past three weeks all I did was stress about this situation and I ignored my life.
At Queen’s Park the snow was fluffy and I sat down on the ground.  I had a sinking feeling that I made the wrong decision about the relationship, I should ask for forgiveness.  I sat there in the snow feeling the cool air on my face and was determined to drop it so that I could make a snowman.   I pushed the snow into a pile and a man shouted out from a cleared path, “You’re making the first snowman in Queen’s Park!  Is it packing snow?”  “No, but I’ll do my best.”  He walked away. The snow didn’t want to co-operate. I became frustrated with myself and wanted to leave.  I stopped and stared at the snow in front of me, I heard a hawk squawk over my head.  It was holding a small bird in its claws and landed in a tree beside me.  A second hawk followed.  I started to laugh because hawks seem to follow me when I’m in nature.  I relaxed and decided I will play in the snow.  I needed to be less serious.  I decided to sing a tune.  Then these words came to me.
                Come little chipmunk,
                come and play with me
                as I play amongst the evergreens.
                Come little chipmunk,
                come and play with me
                as I sing and play joyously.
                Come little chipmunk,
                come and play with me
                and we will have a feast.

The lyrics kept changing.  At one point I came across a piece of poop - frozen poop.  I threw it away quickly and continued singing.   Yes, it was gross but I was on a roll.  I created some type of snow sculpture.  Wow... I created a swan out of snow.  I didn’t know I could do that.  How did it happen?  I kept singing and relaxed.  After a few minutes I thought I received a called but I didn’t want to look at my phone.  I continued to play.  What else can I make?
I created a new pile and a sea turtle formed. I look up in the tree and there was only one hawk enjoying its meal. I noticed people watching me, some stopped and stared, while others continued on.  I stood up and looked at my artwork.  I giggled like a little girl and I threw myself in the snow to make a snow angel.  I felt amazing.  I rose and drank some cold water from my purple metal bottle.
I had no idea what time it was, finally looking at my cell phone.  I had a text message.  It was from the friend I just ended the relationship.  The text message was send within minutes after I left.  I was told that I did something wrong in a past life to this person and that I was forgiven.  If I wanted to talk about it I could call.  It was comical because I knew it was yet another way of getting my attention.  I made the correct decision to move on.  I put my phone away and made another snow animal.  I pushed the snow together and I created an alligator.  Wow... how awesome is that?  I’ve created three different snow animals.
I stood up, fixed the alligator and a woman walked over to me.  She asked if I made the sculptures.  She correctly identified each of them and asked if she could take a few pictures.  She told me that seeing them changed her mood.  She asked me if I made snow sculptures all the time. I told her no, I only wanted to have an experience of being in the snow.  I told her I was being extremely hard on myself and become overwhelmed with a situation.  I realized that I needed to stop all the judgments, be kinder and gentler to myself. 
That day, I reconnected to my inner spirit as I played in the snow.  I was able to let go and express myself in a simple way.  An hour after dropping off the item to the person, I looked up and the hawk was gone.  I took that as a sign to get up and go.  I felt free as I trusted and honoured myself in the moment.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Silent Communication

The sound of the drums drew the two-year-old to our circle.  We were all participating in the rhythms one way or another.  A friend was watching him as she is always on high alert when it comes to children.  She pointed out that he might be lost.  When I glanced over he was with some people and I didn’t feel anything was wrong. I assumed he was with his family.  Yet, she knew he was alone.  She asked me to pay attention too.  I really didn’t get any vibes from the child that he was scared or lost so I didn’t stress about it.
After a few minutes, my friend jumped and grabbed my arm, “he is lost,” she said panicking.  She pointed out that he has now wandered over to another group of people.  This time a woman picked him up.  Once I saw that my friend was clearly right, we marched over to take the child.  I told the woman I would find his mother.
My friend was still very upset as if she lost her own child. She has such a beautiful heart but she was not listening to her inner spirit that was telling her not to be scared. The young boy knew that he was safe.  The sound of a drumming circle is like Mother Earth’s heart beat and that is always a calming experience.
I took the young boy in my arms.  The toddler was wearing a warm coat and had chocolate cake on his face. I asked his name and waited for a response but he remained quiet and calm.  I held him close to my heart and listened for the silent communication of his heart.  He looked me in the eyes and then pointed in a direction away from our drumming circle.  For some reason, I didn’t think to call the police and I sensed that his family was close.
We walked toward the area that he pointed out.  However, I stopped because my friend was getting more and more stressed about the distance we traveled.  During that time the child still hasn’t said a word.  He just stared into my eyes.  I wanted to know his name and I thought that he may have his name in his clothes.  When I put him down to check I felt it was not the right thing to do. 
I lifted him again and continued to walk.  We came across an outdoor concession stand.  I asked if anyone was missing a child.  The woman behind the counter began to overreact, “Call the police.  Stop walking around with the child. How can a mother lose her child?”
The young boy seemed extremely uncomfortable when she spoke.  I held his hand as he was still in arms and told him that he was safe.  I turned down the woman’s logical suggestion and kept walking.  The boy relaxed as we moved away.
We passed a number of people with children and there was no one looking for a lost boy.  We kept walking.  A woman approached me very calmly and said he was with her.  The boy didn’t react when he saw her but he didn’t seem uncomfortable that she took him.  I didn’t want to leave him with her.  I wanted to see his parents. 
The woman called out to a group of people and this hysterical woman holding a screaming 1 year-old baby ran over to us.  That’s his mom for sure.  She put her other child down and hugged her missing son.  I could feel her heart beating and I wasn’t even close to her.  My friend told her that he walked toward the entrance of the park.  He must have been missing for over 30 minutes.  Her son didn’t want to be held.  He jumped out of her arms and went on playing with the other children that were with them. 
His mother thanked us and she was still very angry with herself over what happened.  I looked her in the eyes and said, “He is safe.  He has angels protecting him.  He will not remember this and he loves you very much.  He was only interested in the drumming circle.  Now he is with you.”
I picked up her other crying baby and handed him back to her.  Once I lifted her other son, he stopped crying.  She was unable to let it go.  My friend wanted to tell her about a time she lost her child but I stopped her.  I asked my friend to let her be with her family and told her we should go.
We walked back to the drumming circle and she was still very upset about what happened.  I asked her why she waited for me to take action.  Why didn’t she trust what she was getting through the silent communication around her?  She didn’t want to believe that it was happening.  She thought I would be able to help him.  But, she really did help him.  She noticed that he was in trouble.  She saw that something was wrong.  She only didn’t feel comfortable to do it by herself. 
We ended up staring into each other’s eyes for a few minutes and then she nodded.  We hugged and both knew that we helped reunite a small boy with his family.  We were both stars we just didn’t want to admit it.