Saturday, February 4, 2012

Honouring Myself

I was in a snowsuit at Queen’s Park playing in the snow.  I had a few difficult weeks struggling with an unhealthy relationship which I kept because I felt I needed it.  I felt that I could not find someone else that was interested in creating inspirational music and understood my energy work.  I love to sing and at times, I would shake like a leaf on stage.  My friend was supportive and also felt uneasy performing.  We had similar characteristics and required mutual support.  Why would I end this relationship? Well, we also had different views on life and definitions of words such as trust, honesty and respect.  I didn’t realized how strongly I felt about my personal values until this person stomped on them.  I knew that we didn’t agree on many life choices but I didn’t judge.  I buried my head in the sand because I didn’t want to lose the relationship.  My intuition told me to speak up and express my views and set boundaries.  I ignored the warning signs and a situation evolved over time that I could no longer deny was happening. 
I became angry because my friend didn’t take the subtle hints I was giving to back off.  My anger exploded in my face and even then I didn’t want to share what was going on.  I finally expressed that I was completely uncomfortable with the events that lead up to what happened. This friend apologized then stated I was complete wrong for feeling the way I did and that this friend will not stop behaving in that manner just because I was uncomfortable.  After hearing that, I asked for personal space and time to figure out what I truly wanted from the relationship. I explained that the bonds of trust were completely broken. 
I was then bombarded with emails asking me to spend time with this friend.  This friend felt it was necessary to compliment me and attack me in the same email.  I felt that this person was being overly persistent and aggressive not honouring or respecting my requests or taking them seriously.    
Throughout the experience I was fighting with my own values and my playful side was stuffed into a corner.  I felt I had to compromise but every additional line of communication from the person was full of hurtful and underlying attacks.  The main reason it happened was because we wanted different things from the relationship.  We expected things that we didn’t express in the beginning.  This experience helped me re-evaluate and define my values in a concrete form.  I realized with the help of a coach and other friends that I can compromise on some things but I don’t have to compromise on my values just to keep the peace.  By honouring myself I am respecting and valuing who I am.  Once I came to that conclusion I made the decision to end the relationship.  I wanted to enjoy my life again.
I had a clean slate to recreate my life and the snow symbolized that for me.  I had to return an item to this person.  It was difficult for me to see this person because I was not pleased with all the correspondence I was receiving and I didn’t want to involve others in this situation.  I arrived with the item in hand and had a weak smile.  As I handed it over I was asked where my dog sled team was.  I completely forgot I was wearing a snowsuit. I thanked the person for the use of the item.  I was then told that this person was purchasing a similar item, was promoted and had some advice for me.  I congratulated this person and said thanks again. I took a deep breath, walked away and went to Queen’s Park.  Over those past three weeks all I did was stress about this situation and I ignored my life.
At Queen’s Park the snow was fluffy and I sat down on the ground.  I had a sinking feeling that I made the wrong decision about the relationship, I should ask for forgiveness.  I sat there in the snow feeling the cool air on my face and was determined to drop it so that I could make a snowman.   I pushed the snow into a pile and a man shouted out from a cleared path, “You’re making the first snowman in Queen’s Park!  Is it packing snow?”  “No, but I’ll do my best.”  He walked away. The snow didn’t want to co-operate. I became frustrated with myself and wanted to leave.  I stopped and stared at the snow in front of me, I heard a hawk squawk over my head.  It was holding a small bird in its claws and landed in a tree beside me.  A second hawk followed.  I started to laugh because hawks seem to follow me when I’m in nature.  I relaxed and decided I will play in the snow.  I needed to be less serious.  I decided to sing a tune.  Then these words came to me.
                Come little chipmunk,
                come and play with me
                as I play amongst the evergreens.
                Come little chipmunk,
                come and play with me
                as I sing and play joyously.
                Come little chipmunk,
                come and play with me
                and we will have a feast.

The lyrics kept changing.  At one point I came across a piece of poop - frozen poop.  I threw it away quickly and continued singing.   Yes, it was gross but I was on a roll.  I created some type of snow sculpture.  Wow... I created a swan out of snow.  I didn’t know I could do that.  How did it happen?  I kept singing and relaxed.  After a few minutes I thought I received a called but I didn’t want to look at my phone.  I continued to play.  What else can I make?
I created a new pile and a sea turtle formed. I look up in the tree and there was only one hawk enjoying its meal. I noticed people watching me, some stopped and stared, while others continued on.  I stood up and looked at my artwork.  I giggled like a little girl and I threw myself in the snow to make a snow angel.  I felt amazing.  I rose and drank some cold water from my purple metal bottle.
I had no idea what time it was, finally looking at my cell phone.  I had a text message.  It was from the friend I just ended the relationship.  The text message was send within minutes after I left.  I was told that I did something wrong in a past life to this person and that I was forgiven.  If I wanted to talk about it I could call.  It was comical because I knew it was yet another way of getting my attention.  I made the correct decision to move on.  I put my phone away and made another snow animal.  I pushed the snow together and I created an alligator.  Wow... how awesome is that?  I’ve created three different snow animals.
I stood up, fixed the alligator and a woman walked over to me.  She asked if I made the sculptures.  She correctly identified each of them and asked if she could take a few pictures.  She told me that seeing them changed her mood.  She asked me if I made snow sculptures all the time. I told her no, I only wanted to have an experience of being in the snow.  I told her I was being extremely hard on myself and become overwhelmed with a situation.  I realized that I needed to stop all the judgments, be kinder and gentler to myself. 
That day, I reconnected to my inner spirit as I played in the snow.  I was able to let go and express myself in a simple way.  An hour after dropping off the item to the person, I looked up and the hawk was gone.  I took that as a sign to get up and go.  I felt free as I trusted and honoured myself in the moment.

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